Don't tell the "ex-gays."

In the past I've feared that if my history as a het were revealed it would make me an ideal target for those behind the push to bring gays back to the straight and narrow. Like a couple of years back, when "former homosexuals" were in the papers and on TV spreading the word there was hope for gays who want to change.

But those of us who have tried to change know the opposite is true. We know what a damaging, and ultimately futile, exercise trying to "straighten oneself out" is.

The "ex-gay" movement seemed to fade away, a passing "phase" if you will. But just when it seemed safe for us "ex-straights" to talk about our past, a new study was released to bolster the ex-gay agenda. Released last week, the study out of Columbia University concludes that "highly motivated gays" can achieve "good heterosexual functioning." Unlike the previous argument that gays could change if they really tried, the new argument seems to be gays can change if they really, really try.

In reaction to the "ex-gay" campaign, many "ex-ex-gays" have spoken out about their unsuccessful attempts to convert to heterosexuality. I attended a panel discussion featuring three people who had found their sexual orientation in conflict with their deeply held religious beliefs. Each had spent at least a decade and $50,000 on deprogramming programs like Exodus.

From the tales of ex-ex-gays, the "conversion" process sounds less than scientific. Blame is placed on the relationship between men and their fathers or women and their mothers. Women are shown the higher points of makeup application and the joys of womanly/wifely duties like housework (funny, housework doesn't seem like it would be a big draw for the heterosexual team). Men work on "correcting" their lisps and learning to take the gay out of their sashay.

The members of the panel had left the programs emotionally drained, disheartened and still gay.

Most of us try it at home.

Marriage has long been the most popular do-it-yourself option for gays hoping to make the switch. It's usually the first suggestion from family members upon learning a loved one is gay. My partner's sister suggested that my partner and I "marry men, buy houses next door to each other and go next door to borrow sugar a lot." My mom questioned why I couldn't marry a man and have the woman thing "on the side."

To consider adultery preferable to a committed relationship with a person of the same sex illustrates what a bleak fate they regard being gay to be.

When we realize we're gay, many of us try what we think will make our families happy -- what our families think will make us happy.

I spent eight years trying to convince myself I wasn't gay. I dated men, even lived with one for three years. Then my live-in gave me a ring and I realized the altar is where I draw the line. I've never been a particularly religious person, but I believe what my minister once told me: that to be anything less than God created you to be is an insult to him. I believe fulfilling one's potential involves not only striving to accomplish all that we can, but also fulfilling our capacity to love.

So I gave the ring back, called up my high school girlfriend and we're all living happily ever after.

There should be another study, one that challenges the idea that harms so many -- the idea that being gay is more detrimental than denying who you truly are.

Chryss Cada