Veterans Guide

Ex-Gay
NOTE: Many of the ex-gay letters are written by people who operate professional ex-gay reparation programs. Please be aware that there are often fees for services involved, and that in some cases their testimony may be profit motivated.

Personal Testimony
Vicki Duffy, Pennsylvania

My name is Vicki, born in Pennsylvania in September, 1968. In my short life I had endured quite a bit of abuse; I had been raped by a male acquaintance of my mother's at age 5, then verbally, physically and sexually abused by my older brother from ages 7 to 17, and raped twice by an uncle at age 19.

As a result of the sexual abuse and violence that occurred, it led me into a path of destructive behavior and a life of utter confusion and feelings of inadequacy.

I firmly believe that due to the abuse and sexual violence endured, it resulted in me dealing with many problems and psychiatric issues.

From an early age I struggled with feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, anger and hatred toward men. As a child I was in therapy, a bed-wetter, was attracted to girls, had strong desires to be a boy and often dressed as a boy. As I entered her teens, I endured a sexual identity crisis, dealt with self-destructive behavior, developed anorexia and bulimia, was an alcoholic, dabbled in drugs, was in and out of therapy and entered the Marines.

By early adulthood I was causing self-inflicted injuries on my body as a way of coping, in and out of Eating Disorder Units and psychiatric hospitals, dealt with suicidal tendencies, bouted with numerous suicide attempts, was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance, clinical depression and Borderline Personality Disorder (BDP).

By age 25 I had self-injured my body by cutting and burning (1, 5" scar & 1, 4" scar from 3rd degree burns & over 250 scars from cutting). I had been involved in various relationships, led a homosexual lifestyle, was in a gang, had an abortion, claimed bankruptcy due to high medical bills, was on psychotherapeutic medication (17 pills daily), had battled with mental illness and was in and out of psychiatric hospitals.

As I approached 27, I was dependent on psychotherapeutic medications, totally exasperated and felt as though I was just existing and taking up space. I was at a point in my life that although I doubted anything could be better, I was looking for my life to change.

Although I thought I had tried everything possible to get better, somehow I was still open for help. It seemed that whatever I tried that it was only good for a few hours, a day, sometimes if I got "lucky" it lasted a couple days.

I was not brought up around church or anything godly. One Sunday in March of 1995 I was invited to church and reluctantly went. It was my first time going to a church in over 15 years, and this was no church like I had ever been to. From the moment I stepped through the doors, I sensed something different.

When I walked into that church in Florham Park, NJ I remember sensing such love and peace. (I honestly thought it would be over once I left). I wasn’t quite sure what my beliefs were, mainly Agnostic, as I spent most of my life blaming God or questioning Him why all this happened to me. I was at a point of my life where I was not ready to be let down again.

All I knew was that when I walked into that church, I felt great and didn’t remember feeling so much peace like that before. And I knew it was real. No medication made me feel this alert and alive, I knew it was real.

I wanted so much to be normal but had no clue how to do it, as everything else I tried proved a failure. After going to that church I asked God to make himself real to me. Within days I noticed that I was more peaceful, able to think clearly and the negative desires I had were not so strong. Even though to an outsider that would seem so small of a change, however, for me it was a big thing just to see a change, at that moment I knew that God was real!

A few weeks later, I bought a Bible and it opened right up to the book of Mark, and I began reading in chapter 5. As I read, I saw that a guy who had cut himself day and night and appeared to have mental illness; he was healed by Jesus. I became very agitated with God and threw the Bible to the floor. I just didn’t understand why I wasn’t well; if he had healed this guy so long ago.

I began to yell at God: “!@#* you God, if you are real, then why the hell can’t you help me? Why can’t you do for me what you did years ago for that guy? I’m tired so tired of this !@#*, and tired of living this way. Don’t you understand that I’m tired of crying all night long, cutting and drinking because I cannot cope? Life isn’t supposed to be this way. I don’t want mental illness. Please help me.”

I do realize now that swearing to God may not have been the best thing, but at that time I wasn’t accustomed to talking with Him and tried my best to be nice. After saying this, I pleaded with God, I truly petitioned him for his help.

I figured my last resort was this God who I wasn’t even so sure about. I put all my doubts aside and immediately I began to pray to God, actually I challenged him that I wanted answers and that I would give him 3 weeks to “prove himself” to me. Even though I wasn’t sure if I believed in God, I thought it would be a good idea if I at least put my efforts into it. I wanted my life to change and was looking for a difference.

I figured that I had done everything possible that I guess I could at least give God a chance. It seemed as if nothing else had worked, but I have never thought of including God because I mainly blamed God, part of me thought that what happened to me was His fault. Additionally, part of me wasn’t convinced that he even existed. I wasn’t sure what I believed in, not even certain about God.

Ever since I "challenged" God, my life turned around completely and has never been the same! I “officially” accepted Jesus into my heart and life in April, 1995 during a revival meeting with Janny Grein. What happened over the next 1 1/2 years was absolutely breathtaking!

With the love and mercy of God I learned to cope with the past and look forward to the future; there is hope and there is a better way of life. I learned that I don’t have to live my future based on my past. I am not sure why all that happened to me, but I do know that what was meant for bad is now being turned around for good.

I have forgiven all the people that have hurt and abused me. And, I have completely healed, recovered and overcome in every area! I was married to a wonderful Christian man in April, 1999. My life has taken a 360 degree turn and amazed at what God can do!

It is my hopes that every person will come to the realization that they can overcome anything in their life, as nothing is hopeless!

Whatever a person has gone through or may be facing right now, they can get through it just like I did and lead a normal healthy life as God intended for them!

God will touch you, He will change you; He is just a prayer away.

I know God will heal anyone, anytime of anything.

Vicki Duffy
www.endallthepain.com

Personal Testimony
Carla Harshman, Michigan

As long as I remember I wanted to be a boy. I remember praying to God to change me into a boy, and I believed that some day I would wake up and physically be a boy. I think a large part of desiring that in my mind at that time was that boys got to do everything and girls got left out. I loved sports and was better than most of the boys, but girls were not allowed to play in organized sports.

In Jr. High the reality hit that I was more like one of the guys than the girls. But there was one guy that I liked since seventh grade and honestly would have married him given the opportunity. Because of that I didn't think about the possibility of being gay. But as I look back, from the time of third grade on I had crushes on female teachers and girls who were 3-6 years older than I.

During this time I began to have strong feelings of dislike toward my mom. My parents were very good to us. We did not grow up in a physically abusive home. Many times they sacrificed so that my sister and I could have material things. But my mom and I never connected emotionally. I felt I could never share my heart, and the times I tried I never felt understood. I know now that many times rejection is a perceived thing in a child's mind, but that doesn't make it less real. I totally detached and began to search for a female who would love and understand me just the way I was. I would do most anything to get just a little piece of acceptance from these older girls.

In high school my whole identity became wrapped up in my talents and abilities and what car I drove. The car of choice for me was a muscle car, the kind with big tires, loud mufflers, and fast, not a "feminine"type of car. The ironic thing was I thought the boys would like me if I drove a cool car.

But really the only time any guy showed interest in me was when he was drunk. More rejection as a female. But even as I tried to be feminine by doing make-up, steam rollers, having a purse, etc., I still wasn't acceptable as a female that any guy was interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with. I started to become fearful of risking any feminine action. Many times I was made fun of when I tried to do things like a girl.

Dates and proms did not exist for me either. I kept asking myself what was wrong with me? Am I that ugly, that weird? Just because I liked sports and guy things, did that make me unacceptable as a female? The image I had of myself as an acceptable female continued to deteriorate.

By this time the older girls I had crushes on had graduated, but I had a crush on one of my female teachers the last three years of high school. I also began to notice that I wanted to be close physically with some of my female friends.

My freshman year at college was the turning point in my decision to pursue a lesbian identity. I became a manager for the women's basketball team. I really liked these women and I sensed something was different about them. These were the women I wanted as friends. They loved sports and were just plain cool. These were the women jocks on campus, and I was now a solid part of their group. At last I felt I had come home. This was where I belonged. I was loved and accepted for who I was... for what I felt was the first time in my life. From that point on I no longer cared about being accepted by men.

While growing up, I went to church every Sunday but I did not have a personal relationship with Jesus. I even got involved in Bible studies with real born-again Christians. But because I didn't have a relationship with Jesus it was easy to dump that. I remember sitting in front of the TV at college thinking that if I died I would go to hell. I did not care! I had another god...a woman lover. After college I moved to Northern Michigan to live with a woman. Even after that relationship ended I was not unhappy as a lesbian and was not even thinking of any type of change.

But I was walking in the woods one day and had a thought that I needed to check out Jesus again. I cannot tell you the day or even the month 21 years ago that I sat in the pastor's office and asked Jesus into my heart, but I know that my life changed that day. As I began to read the Bible, I knew that lesbianism was no longer an option. However, that decision did not instantly change my sexual attractions. That was a 15 year journey.

I argued with God for a year that it was not fair that if I wanted to be in a sexual relationship I had to be married to a man. I was still attracted to women, and I had to work through some pretty big emotional dependency issues.

In 1993, I attended my first Exodus International conference. I didn't know anyone and that was pretty scary. But I wasn¹t there because I needed the workshops. I was on cruise control as a Christian and was very content with life . No sexual involvements, no emotional dependencies for ten years. I had arrived.

During the last hour of the conference, I met a woman from another state and we decided to keep in touch. At last I had someone to talk to who understood.

That fall, I attended an Exodus regional retreat, and afterward drove this new friend to her home. From that time on I was not honest with myself concerning this relationship. I experienced an attraction I had not felt in years. I thought, "What is this?" But instead of admitting that something might be amiss, I blew it off and decided I could handle it. I was very smug in thinking I had arrived and was beyond crossing personal boundaries.

"But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed."(James 1:14) After a few months of correspondence, I decided to spend a few days with her. Previous to my going, the conversations had been insightful and our relationship seemed innocent enough. Okay, let's be real here, I was living in denial. This woman was very nurturing, and I found myself wanting to be close to her. I remember listening to a tape series on temptation, and the Holy Spirit told me to break off the relationship. Again, I thought, "I've never gotten in trouble before,"so I ignored that Still Small Voice.

"Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin;" (James 1:15a). Between the time of the first and second visit, I began to ask God what was wrong with doing certain things anyway. I began to ask why this or that was sexual and beyond certain peoples' ideas of boundaries. I began to justify the behavior as an anti-cultural thing rather than unbiblical. By now I had a lot of ambivalence toward this woman. I really did not like her much as a friend, but the nurturing was overpowering. I was like the frog in slowly heated water that eventually boils to death and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.(James 1:15b) Eventually our relationship lead to a sexual fall. I was devastated. I wanted to die. For the past four years I had been building the foundations for ministry in northern Michigan, and now that was finished. I wanted to dig a hole and throw me and all ministry aspirations in it. Life was over. I thought, "What am I going to do?" I read and reread the account of David and Bathsheba, trying desperately to find some hope of forgiveness.

After this last encounter I knew I had to break off the relationship. I learned I needed to grieve the loss of this relationship because even though I believed it to be ungodly, the emotions and loss of nurturing were real. A couple of years ago I read that El Shadai means "the many breasted one, the nurturer, Father-Mother God." I realized that I needed to let God be my "Breasty One" and Nurturer, not another woman.

I wondered how I would ever tell my friends and my pastor about my involvement with this woman. I felt I let everyone down, that somehow I had betrayed their trust. This was devastating. I attended the Exodus Conference the following year and spent much of the week feeling like a total failure. Thank heaven my roommate had big ears. None of my Exodus friends condemned me. All of them encouraged me to just keep on walking with Jesus.

Even though I will never say it was God's will that I was involved in this relationship, God used it for good. I shared this involvement with some of my closer lesbian friends. They said they had noticed something happened because I had much more warmth and compassion toward them. In thinking I had arrived I had lost compassion for others.

I also learned not to be afraid of attractions. I was of the impression that if I ever had an attraction toward a woman, I was somehow living a lie. I felt I could never admit such a thing to keep up the image that "true Christians never have same-sex attractions." I learned, rather, that we are always in the process of change in all areas of life. The issue was not that I experienced the attraction, but what was the root and how would God have me work through it?

Why I always wanted to be a boy was still a great mystery to me. I found out that God is a God of individuality. He wants to minister to those very private and special places that we guard in our hearts.

Because of my school experiences and certain attitudes toward men conveyed by my family, a major issue in my life involved fear of femininity. Airline attendants were the worst. I could not even look at them. I could be freezing on the plane and no way would I ask for a blanket.

Six years ago the Holy Spirit showed me that because of some family history, the struggle for my gender identity began in the womb. I saw myself red with rage, kicking and screaming... wearing black hi-top tennis shoes and pink frilly socks.

Then I saw myself as a full grown woman dancing with Jesus. I was wearing a long white dress, pearls, white gloves, white shoes....totally comfortable with being there. Jesus was wearing a tux, not a robe. But for the next three years I wondered when the black tennis shoe was going to go away and I would turn into a pink frilly sock. At a ministry training three years later, I shared this dilemma with our small group because it really bothered me.

Of course there was one very feminine woman in our group, much to my dismay. On the very last day of the training, she told me the Holy Spirit showed her that the black shoe was as important in my life as the pink frilly sock; that the black shoe represents strength and grace, as a ballet dancer needs strength and grace in her feet and legs. At worship that night I saw myself dancing with Jesus and under the long white dress I was wearing black hi-top tennis shoes and pink frilly socks. Jesus just winked and smiled, and from that moment I knew I could be confident with who I was created to be.

I am so grateful that God is a God of relationship and restoration. Relationship brings healing. My relationships with women now are so much more emotionally intimate and fulfilling than any lesbian relationship I was involved with. I can also say that I no longer mistrust men and the broken relationships from the past have been restored.

Personal Testimony
Tom Cole

I was the third son in a family of six children. My parents had been hoping for a girl; from the time I was very young, my mother told me that, if I had been a girl, my name would have been Debbie.

My lack of interest in contact sports alienated me from the other boys in the neighborhood. When we lined up to pick teams, I would be last and someone would remark, "Oh no, we got stuck with Cole. He's a sissy." Each time my heart grew colder and harder.

Ugly Names
As far back as I can remember, I was called names like fag, queer and sissy. My gentle demeanor and compassionate nature, on the other hand, made me compatible with the neighborhood girls; soon they became my sole source of friendship.

One day in fifth grade, our teacher tried an experiment in communication. She had the class gather in a circle and talk about the things that bothered them. Suddenly I became the subject of conversation. The boys in the class began to complain, "Cole is a fag. We don't want to sit by him or work on projects with him." When the teacher asked me how I felt about these comments, I ran from the classroom, crying and feeling sick to my stomach. School became a dichotomy: I loved to learn, but I feared the daily harassment.

One day I came home scraped and beaten, and my father said, "If you're going to make it in this world, you're going to have to fight."

"But Daddy, I'm afraid to fight." In response, his face turned red with anger. He forced my hands up and started jousting with his fists, but I only stood there and cried. I hated my father for forcing me to be something I could never be. I despised other males and vowed in my heart that I would never be like them.

"A New Game"
Then an older boy in the neighborhood began to show attention to me and I was elated. But one day when we were playing in his back yard, he led me into his tent and said, "I have a new game for us to play." He began to undress and told me to do the same. As he sexually molested me, I felt fear, revulsion and the need to get away. Mixed with these negative feelings were sensations of physical pleasure. Afterward I avoided my friend and buried the incident deep in my memory.

About age 12, I began to experiment sexually with other boys in the neighborhood. One neighbor and I began a six-year physical relationship. I felt cheapened by these experiences; now I had friends, but I saw that they only wanted me for their sexual release.

Visiting Gay Bars
In college, I majored in music and drama. I joined a vocal jazz ensemble and met a male singer who was "out of the closet" with his homosexuality. One day I asked if he would take me to a gay bar, and he readily agreed. I felt fear and excitement as I anticipated the experience. I was 19 years old, but most people thought I looked 14 or 15.

When we entered the bar, I noticed that many of the men were staring at me. I felt like an animal on display in the zoo. But I also loved the attention. I met a much older man and we planned a date for the following week. He lavished attention on me, and I loved it. But after a few times together, he seemed to lose interest in me; the next week, I saw him with another guy who looked even younger than me.

I found it difficult to enter into a long-term relationship with other men. One time I asked a group of gay friends, "Don't you think it's a little strange that all we talk about and think about is sex? Is that what the average heterosexual is like?" No one responded, but I knew that what we were experiencing wasn't right.

A Shocking Discovery
One night I was shocked to see my younger brother at the club. We had both experienced many of the same things in our lives and we shared a close friendship until his death eight years later in a tragic car accident.

I saw my brother in a seemingly healthy gay relationship and thought, Maybe it can work after all. But then I watched the relationship deteriorate to a violent end, and I lost hope for a long-term gay relationship. From the age of 19 until I was 26, I had 300-400 sexual partners. Depression set in; I began to drink and use cocaine to deaden the loneliness.

One night, in total despair, I decided to end my life. I took a large amount of painkillers and a fifth of vodka. I awoke the next day feeling like I had been run over by a truck. I was alive -- but still miserable.

Relationship with Jesus
Soon after, I met a woman at work named Rosie who constantly talked about a personal relationship with Jesus. When I brought up some of my New Age beliefs, she always responded in love--and never condemned me as a homosexual. One night she said, "My husband and I will be praying for you."

I was shocked. "You pray for me?" I asked.

"Yes," she said. "We pray for you every night."

As she was leaving, she added, "Tom, I love you." Something broke inside; the love of God reached out through Rosie and touched my heart. I hid my head under a counter, pretending to clean, while I wept.

Finding Something Different in Church
Within a few weeks, I asked Rosie if I could attend church with her. That Sunday, I sensed something different. People hugged one another and sang with such love to Jesus. At the end of the service, I went forward to receive Jesus Christ into my life.

I began telling people of my life before Christ and asking for their prayers. Then I met Donna, a former lesbian, at a prayer meeting and we began a prayer partnership. After two years of studying the Bible and praying together, I knew my feelings for her were more than friendship.

One day Donna came to visit me at work. For the first time, I noticed her well-endowed figure and felt strongly attracted to her. I realized that, at age 26, I was experiencing something most boys go through at puberty. Soon Donna and I were dating. Three months later, we were married.

Entering Marriage--and Finding New Problems-- Our first year of marriage was torture as my insecurities poured out. I began to seek solace in phone sex with men. Then I heard a broadcast on homosexuality, featuring an interview with Dr. Elizabeth Moberly. As she spoke about same-gender deficits, I realized that I had many close female friends in my life, but no significant male friendships. I asked God to send men to me with whom I could share my struggles. The Lord was faithful and sent two men within the next year. They were gentle and compassionate, and held me accountable.

God also sent me another friend to whom I would have been strongly attracted back in my gay life. I was nervous and uneasy as we attended a weekend conference together. I decided to share my insecurities with him and said I was afraid of getting close to other men.

He responded with wisdom and gentle love. "Just because I've never struggled with homosexuality doesn't mean that I don't fear intimacy." Then he explained that men often talk about weather or sports to avoid discussing their feelings and what is really happening in their lives. I was shocked and relieved. Slowly I was learning that I could be intimate with a man without being sexual with him.

When my wife gave birth to our first child, I asked God, "How do I raise a son?" I sensed His response in my heart: "Just love him." Today Isaac is 100 percent all boy. Shortly after him came another son, then two daughters. My children are one of life's greatest joys.

Joy in Helping Others
As my wife and I both found freedom from a gay past, we began to minister to others seeking the same experience. Four years ago, we joined the board of directors of Reconciliation, our local Exodus ministry in Detroit. Two years later, I became the director.

Today our vision is to help Christians who long for change in their homosexual desires. We don't force our beliefs on anyone, but seek to display the compassion of Jesus Christ to anyone who is interested. I know His love can draw others out of despair, just as He did for me.

Tom Cole is the director of Reconciliation, an Exodus ministry in Detroit.

Ex-Ex-Gay

Isn't It Ironic? How An Ex-Gay Ministry Set Me Free
I wanted the support of a group of people who were like me, and I wanted to recover from the pain and isolation of hatred and homophobia, and a tiny part of me thought it would work. So I mustered up the courage to drive to the meeting, held in a seedy but historical section downtown, in the city's oldest church. I sat in the parking lot, unable to move. I was sweating and nauseous; I wanted to flee.

Onward Christian Ex-Gays
"OK, time to get into the hot seat!" the leader of the Fellow Warrior support group announces. I'm herded over to the coffee table in the center of a small back room in a crappy two-story office complex. I sit down and bow my head. Suddenly, 12 Fellow Warriors -- or "ex-gays," as their propaganda calls them -- put their hands on my body, most particularly the shoulders and upper torso, and the praying begins. Like freestyle rappers coming to the mike, each takes a turn praying that my sinful soul stays on the right path. I'm going by the pseudonym Monty today, and the Fellow Warriors are praying that the Lord will watch over me and prevent me from falling back into the gay lifestyle.

Ex-gay leader experiences ‘moral fall’
Johnston allegedly had sex with men without disclosing he has HIV. Johnston’s “fall” should be a final blow to discredit ex-gay ministries, said Wayne Besen, author of “Anything But Straight,” a book aimed at debunking ex-gay ministries

Letter
Jon Gaskell

In the early '70s, the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from its official list of mental disorders. Being gay, the group figured, is not the same as being crazy. In fact, it is quite natural. However, due to intolerance by the bucketful and the thought that one can truly figure out what Jesus would do, there still exists a fair level of insanity regarding this way of life. Case in point, Des Moines resident and Freedom Ministries founder Jack Morlan.

Morlan, who used to be gay but "turned" heterosexual in 1980 with the help of a non-profit group called Exodus, believes homosexuality is a sin and is trying to get gays to follow him down the path of righteousness. Morlan thinks quitting homosexuality is like quitting smoking: where there's a will, there's a way. And sadly enough, he and Freedom Ministries are getting help from many area churches, which don't understand such conversions are impossible.

Just look at two of Exodus' founders, Michael Bussee and Gary Cooper, one-time "success" stories for the foundation, who ended up falling in love with each other. Cooper died of AIDS over a decade ago and Bussee now insists such lifestyle alterations are not possible. Treating homosexuality is not like treating alcoholism or drug addiction, as many churches believe. There is no amount of shaming or therapy that can make an individual something other than what they truly are. Yet zanies like Morlan not only keep trying to fool themselves, but spread their message to others who feel, in some way, what they have is some sort of malady. And God help them if they listen. For as Bussee says, the internal struggle that is created becomes so immense that it can lead to the contemplation of suicide.

Nonetheless, Morlan and company press on, spreading the word that homosexuality can be cured, ruining lives of individuals which were perfectly fine before these holier-than-thou types got their hands on them.

Personal Testimony
Wade Richards, Wisconsin

If I were to describe my childhood in one word, it would have to be dysfunctional. I was literally the product of adultery. At the time my parents met they were both married and had families of their own. Shortly after, they “fell in love” and ran away together. Then, I was conceived. Before I was even a year old my father and mother divorced. My mother then became mentally unhealthy and emotionally unstable. I was left feeling insecure and vulnerable.

As I started elementary school I became aware of my homosexual feelings. I tried to do the “typical” boy stuff like playing sports and chasing the girls, but I felt impotent in being able to relate with the other boys. I soon would become the subject of endless taunts and harassment, because of my effeminate behavior. I was starving for male affirmation and attention.

During the same time a neighborhood man was sexually molesting me. In this relationship he gave me attention, though it was negative, my emotional need was still being met. The sexual encounters continued over a five-year period. I knew the relationship was inappropriate. Yet, I wouldn’t turn him in, because I feared that I would be “outing” myself. I felt dirty, used, and broken.

I longed to feel secure and be unconditionally loved. One day after my twelfth birthday, my friend invited me to go to her church youth group. I went, and that night I asked to receive Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I then became very involved with the church youth group. After I became a Christian I thought my homosexual feelings would end, and I would feel like a “normal” guy.

After three years of being involved with the church, I left. I knew that I was still gay, and I wanted to experience that part of my life for the first time. The next three years would bring me back to the steps of the church. I was in and out of multiple short and long term relationships, as well as numerous anonymous sexual encounters; searching for a place to fit in. I was continually feeling very empty and hopeless.

In September of 1997 at eighteen years old, I moved to New York City to prostitute myself for a gay couple, still searching to fill that deep void I felt inside. The job fell through just after two weeks. I moved into a youth shelter and decided it was time to get my life in order. I was lead to a nearby church and met a group of men who befriended me. These men were not like the other men I had known in my past. They weren’t scared of my effeminate behavior or wanting to use me for sex. I began to trust and respect them. For the first time I felt secure and safe. I began to do Bible studies with them, and learned that homosexuality was “sin”. In retrospect to my past it made complete sense. I decided that I would leave my homosexual lifestyle behind.

In April of 1998 I moved to Memphis, Tennessee to become involved with an Exodus residential ministry for men and women desiring freedom from homosexuality. I was taught about the “non-sexual” root issues causing a person to become vulnerable to homosexuality. I fit into their analysis perfectly. Shortly after entering the program, my character and behavioral traits began to change. Everyone applauded my progress. The program was intense and strict. Your behavior would make or break your program. I saw numerous program participants have same-sex sexual encounters and leave the program, feeling more confused and guilty. I was determined to show everyone that I would succeed. I became the only one to graduate between the three others who came in with me. I graduated successfully, and became the youngest individual to ever finish the program. I believed I had my same-sex attractions under control.

After graduation, I accepted a position with a non-profit Christian organization in Los Angeles. Overnight I became the youth “ex-gay” poster child. Speaking nationally at conferences, workshops, youth assemblies, and media outlets. Living blocks away from the gay sub-culture of West Hollywood, the reality of my true change would be tested. After months of struggling with my sexual orientation, I decided I needed to resign from my position with the ministry. I knew I was healed of all the emotional turmoil from my past that the “ex-gay” movement claimed to be the cause of my same-sex attractions. However, I was still gay.

Today, I’m finally at peace with myself and with God. I’m gay. I realize now that my life wasn’t dysfunctional because I was gay, it was dysfunctional because the unhealthy choices I made in my life. The irony is that the “ex-gay” movement helped me become a lot more confident and self-assured. I met a lot of incredible people there, people who would have laid down their lives for me, and that experience eventually gave me the confidence to come out.

Wade Richards resides in Madison, Wisconsin with his partner Lance Ewens. Wade is in the process of starting a nonprofit group called “Stand Up! StandOut!”, which will provide support for gay and lesbian youth. He is working with numerous grass roots gay activist groups speaking out about his experience in the “ex-gay” movement. Recently, Wade has been featured in the national gay and lesbian newsmagazine The Advocate. He also has been featured on programs such as ABC’s 20/20, Alan Colmes Talk Radio in New York City, and numerous other media outlets. Contact: Wade Richards, Madison, WI, (608) 284-9362, wlr1979@hotmail.com

I write as a survivor of "ex-gay ministry", ministries that proclaim being able to "heal" people from being gay. My experience began with a conversation with a minister who described "ex-gay ministry" as a way of being "healed" of my homosexuality. As a young, vulnerable adult eager for social acceptance and the support of the church, I became involved with Regeneration, a Baltimore based group under the auspices Exodus International. I participated in group meetings based on a 12-Step model. Within a year, I became part of the "ministry's" leadership team. I ran group meetings, offered "teaching" in the 12-Steps, addressed groups on the "ex-gay" experience, and provided "ex-gay" counseling to others seeking "healing" and "freedom". Throughout this time, my thoughts, feelings and relationships never changed.

To further promote my "healing", I needed to deny my sexual orientation, become more feminine and terminate relationships with gay men and lesbians. Although I did not realize it at the time, this became very damaging to me.

When I finally left Regeneration, I continued to wrestle with the painful feelings of self-doubt, self-condemnation and shame brought on by participation in this group. As I began to deal with my own internalized homophobia, I fully rejected the notion of"ex-gay".

What followed was a the beginning of a long, hard struggle with spirituality and in genuine self acceptance. I began to wrestle with what it means to be a lesbian. I wondered if my sexual orientation and the church were compatible. Reality quickly raised its head. Within a couple of weeks, members of the church I attended began to harass me. Phone calls at work, unending questions, and bible bashing became a regular part of my life. Finally the leader of Regeneration requested that if my partner and I would not change our ways, we needed to leave the church we were attending; we did. Throughout this time, I often looked for support, but my support system failed; their perception of my "sinful" life divided us. I was forced to make choice between my sexual orientation and their allegiance. My confidence of rebuilding relationships outweighed the extreme sadness of losing all of my "friends". In a matter of eight months, my church and friends disappeared into the shadows of self-righteousness.

As a result of the brutality I experienced, I began to question both God and the church. I wasn't sure I wanted to be involved in an institution that promotes such hatred and fear, sexism and homophobia. I now have a spirituality that allows me to understand better God transcendence of the church and the failings of a human institution. Because of the pain and anger I feel when I even enter a church, I no longer participate in institutionalized religion. My journey continues.

Personal Testimony
Jeffry G. Ford, M.A.
Licensed Psychologist, Minn.

My name is Jeffry Ford. I am licensed psychologist and marriage and family therapist. I am a former Director of OUTPOST, Inc, an agency with the stated purpose of healing homosexuals. I represented OUTPOST at the annual meeting of EXODUS, International. Exodus is a national umbrella organization for various agencies that attempt to cure homosexuals through numerous means from deliverance of demons to various forms of "reparative therapy".

The following is a firsthand account of my experience as one who has been heavily involved in this so called "ex-gay" movement. I will start by sharing a brief synopsis of my own history and how I became involved in the movement to change homosexuals, and how I have now come to realize that it is not only unlikely that lasting change in sexual orientation is possible, but that the process of attempting to change one's own or anothers sexual orientation is potentially very damaging.

For as long as I have conscious memory I have known that my primary emotional, sexual and affectional preference has been for men. I was raised in a family during a period in history when to be homosexual was considered deviant, sinful, unspeakable and offensive. I learned early in life that I should not expose that part of myself to anyone. The subject of homosexuality was shrouded with shame and disgust. I learned to hate and fear my own homosexuality. I learned to hide it, disguise it, ignore it and repress it. Though I made every attempt to guard my secret, somehow others could see through me. My mother once warned me that if I wasn't more careful, I would get a reputation as a "queer."

I learned how to "act like" a heterosexual. It wasn't all that hard. There were heterosexual role models all over the place. I learned how to talk about girls and to make fun of sissies. I learned how to date and have sex with women (My technique involved closing my eyes and fantasizing about men.) I hated myself for what I was doing and desperately hoped that if I faked it long enough, it would some day come naturally . At age 17, I made a personal commitment to the Christian faith.

Evangelical Christianity taught me that homosexuals were condemned to hell. I continued my process of hiding and acting. I tried with all my heart not to be gay. I prayed and repented and begged God to change me. I got married at the age of 20 to try to be "normal," with great hopes of becoming straight. I continued to be able to use my techniques and I dug myself into deeper and deeper denial. I withheld the truth about my sexual orientation from my wife for the first year and a half of our marriage. I loved Cathy very much, she was a very dear friend and companion.

I gave up a good paying job and Cathy and I moved to Minnesota. I began seeing a psychologist who believed that by using an electric shock technique called aversive conditioning, he could cure me of my homosexuality. I decided to tell Cathy about it. It was for both of us. I went through 40 or more sessions twice a week during which the psychologist strapped electrodes to my arms and hooked me up to a "penile plythysmograph" (an instrument that, when attached to the penis, can measure blood engorgement).

I can still remember the horror I felt every time I sat in the chair. I can still feel the shame and embarrassment of having wires hooked to my arm and penis while looking through pictures of naked men. Intermittently, the psychologist would give me an electric shock that would involuntarily catapult my arm several inches into the air. When leading his office, I always felt embarrassed and tried to hide the two red burn marks the electrodes left on my arm.

Cathy and I both hoped and prayed for my "healing." After the completion of the aversive conditioning at the hands of a well meaning but misguided psychologist, I found myself several hundred dollars poorer and still gay. We learned of a ministry to homosexuals called OUTPOST and I contacted them.

I began attending the mens group. It was a group of "ex-gay" men who came together for fellowship, teaching and mutual support. At that time, the group consisted of 10 or 12 men. It was quite a shock for me to hear the stories of these men. Most of them had been very active in a fairly promiscuous gay life. I was somewhat confused because they still looked, acted and behaved like gay men but, they called themselves "ex-gay." Weekly, various members of the group would report they had fallen into sin. We would listen to all the gory details and then pray with them for forgiveness.

Only months after I began attending OUTPOST meetings, I was asked to come on full-time staff. I raised support, quit my job and became "Director of Men's Counseling." I was soon giving my testimony of healing and change. I was counseling men and women who wanted to change their sexual orientation.

The attention and power I felt as a counselor and director did a lot to keep my focus off of my own gayness. I learned how to deny I was having homosexual attractions. I rationalized them as being temptations and told myself, "everyone is tempted by something."

I learned how to use language to my own advantage and to speak about the "process of change." When I went to churches and college classrooms, I told the story of my life and my conversion and my subsequent healing from homosexuality. "Surely God knows my heart and how badly I want to be healed," I would rationalize, "It can't hurt to shade the truth just a little, can it?"

Cathy and I became heavily involved in OUTPOST. When the founder of the agency left, I became director and Cathy left her job and joined me as the assistant director. During this time in our lives we adopted two children. I was the director of OUTPOST, a married man and a daddy. I read everything I could get my hands on about homosexuality and the various theories about healing and recovery. It got to be a real burden, living on a shoestring budget, working long hours and dealing with so much pain. My techniques for denying my homosexuality and for performing heterosexually began to fail. Cathy and I began to have serious talks about what we were seeing, both in our marriage and around us in the "ex-gay" movement.

Since we were directors of one of the country's oldest and most respected "ex-gay" ministries, we were privy to inside information about leaders and ministries across the country and internationally. We watched as various ministries folded due to the leader's sexual indiscretion. Silently, members of the board of EXODUS International, the national umbrella organization, would be dismissed in shame (the founders of EXODUS eventually left and subsequently embraced their own homosexuality). Within EXODUS, more emphasis was placed on obedience and celibacy. More and more "change" ministries were being directed by heterosexuals.

Scandals have rocked the "ex-gay" movement throughout it's existence. A particularly sad and abusive situation came to light several years ago. Colin Cook, the co-founder of Homosexuals Anonymous, a national group patterned after the 12 steps of AA, and director of Quest Learning Center in Reading, PA, was discovered to have been practicing a form of "reparative" therapy. It involved having clients get naked and allowing him to hug them and hold them and oftentimes give them full body massages that included masturbation. Cook and his techniques were exposed by the Seventh Day Adventist group called Kinship. This is an extreme example of the kind of sexual abuse and exploitation that can happen when people live in such self denial. I knew Cook personally and deeply respected his teaching and writing. He was one man who boldly declared that he was heterosexual and his homosexual orientation had changed completely. Cook lost his job but his wife and friends continued to revere him, and to my knowledge, his denial continues to this day. He has publicly repented for sexually abusing over a dozen of his clients but continues to proclaim his heterosexuality.

A British theologian and self proclaimed scholar, Elizabeth Moberly, introduced a theory that has swept the country. She suggests that homosexuality is a result of unmet needs for same-sex love combined with a development of same-sex ambivalence. In her writings, she suggests that what is needed for homosexual healing is a reparative experience in therapy with a therapist of one's own sex. In theory, the client is to receive a new and reparative parenting experience and to work through the same-sex ambivalence. This theory and variations are often called "reparative" or "reconstructive " therapies.

One major part of Moberly's theory involves the development of deeply loving and committed non erotic same-sex friendships. For years I had avoided any kind of intimacy with men, especially ex gay men. I feared my own capacity to withstand temptation. Moberly's theory encouraged taking the risk, even if the relationship became sexualized. I met and fell in love with a member of the local Homosexuals Anonymous group. We strove for years to keep our friendship "pure" and to avoid acting on impulses that seemed to come so naturally. Cathy was aware of my friendship with Kent and with our struggles to keep the relationship non erotic.

These therapies place the majority of the responsibility for homosexuality on the parents of the client. These theories also encourage clients to see themselves as "not fully whole" or "immature." Numerous books have been written with glowing stories of change and healing. It is interesting to note however they are usually written with pseudonyms which prevent verification or validation of the claims. When names have been given and follow-up is pursued, one often finds that the person has returned to or adopted a homosexual lifestyle.

The internal dissonance was becoming too great for Cathy and me. We were beginning to allow ourselves to question what was going on. I struggled hard to find honesty and truth. I was terrified by what I was seeing. I was confronted squarely with my own deceptiveness, dishonesty and lack of personal integrity. Although Cathy was aware of the sexual aspect of my relationship with Kent, I was not being honest with others around us.

In my attempt to find a healing, I found instead a method of self denial and self alienation. I never intended to do harm to anyone but in reality I hurt many people. I encouraged others to engage in the same kind of self denial game that I was playing. I encouraged people to move out of loving relationships and made promises of hope and healing. I encouraged gay men to get married as long as their perspective wives knew of their "struggle." I encouraged women to stay in marriages with actively homosexual men, risking disease and much psychological pain. Mine is by no means an isolated story, numerous former leaders and counselors from "Change" agencies are speaking out about the deception they fostered and mistakes they made.

With the help of two very good therapists, Cathy and I were able to do a great deal of psychological and spiritual work. We came to realize that we did indeed want to find and face the pain and truth. We opened ourselves up before one another and God. We accepted the painful reality that our marriage would have to end. The end of our marriage was not the end of our friendship.

Cathy and I live four blocks apart. We share our parenting responsibilities equally, we continue to love and respect one another. We have both come to accept and celebrate our unique identities. Kent and I moved in together and have covenanted ourselves to one another. I am now and have always been gay. My children love and accept Kent as a father figure. He has had a significant role in my life and in their lives since they were infants. No longer do I hang my head in shame, no longer do I hide from the "love that dare not speak its name."

I do not hate or condemn those who attempt to change their sexual orientation. I have a deep compassion and understanding for them. In a society that denies basic human rights and allows the heterosexual majority power to determine our validity, it is understandable that people would want to escape that kind of persecution. It saddens me deeply to watch as people deny their true selves and strive to find love and acceptance by conforming to the conditions and demands of those who hate and fear the very part of them that is the core of there being.

Though I can and do understand the mentality and sincerity of most of those who attempt to help homosexuals change their orientation, I cannot condone or tolerate the inevitable damage and pain they cause. The shame and self alienation that most gay men and lesbians grow up with simply for being different is hard enough to overcome without the added burden of so-called professionals claiming to have a cure for their condition. I believe it is time to look closely and with scrutiny at the claims of those who purport to help homosexuals change their orientation. I believe it is time to put teeth into laws to prevent the proliferation of false and fraudulent claims from those who practice experimental therapies based solely in theory.

It is hard to argue with someone who claims to have been healed. It would seem to be a futile task. However, when claims of change and healing are used to justify continued discrimination and are imposed on all homosexuals, the life and experience of the claimant should be closely examined. In the 5+ years that I was directly involved with the change movement, I do not believe that I saw one genuine change or shift in sexual orientation.

Personal Testimony
Rev. Jerry Stephenson Th.D. Ph. D.

At a very early age I knew there was something different about me. It would be many years later, that I would know and accept the fact I was a gay man. It took 15 years as a Baptist minister, bible teacher and seminary professor for me to be real about my sexual orientation. During my two years in the ex-gay' movement, I not only sought counseling, but was also engaged to a woman. I sought personal healing from a well-known television Evangelist to cure my homosexuality.

All of my ups and downs seemed too much to take; I contemplated taking my own life. After leaving the 'ex-gay' movement, being forced out of a Bible College as a professor for being part of an ex-gay' group, and being condemned to hell by the fundamentalist movement, I decided to face reality head-on. It was the pain and suffering, which caused me to search for truth both spiritually and psychologically. It was only through proper counseling and spiritual renewal did I regain hope, happiness, and love for myself. I feel whole now, living exactly as the person that God made me.

In the last 10 years I have been able to tell the truth about my being a Christian who happens to be gay. This alone has allowed me to counsel many ex-gays' who have found the freedom to be a Christian who happens to be gay. Today I am a part of the Alliance of Christian Churches, which gives hope to Christians who support gays or are gay themselves. I am proud to serve as president of Grace Institute, a Bible college and Seminary granting degrees to ministers who either support gays or are gay themselves.

I have learned so much on my road to recovery as a gay man abused by the ex-gay movement and Southern Baptist Church. First of all my hope as a Christian is based upon Jesus Christ. My salvation has nothing to do with me being gay, straight, black, white, male or female. It is based upon my faith in Jesus Christ. That is the Gospel message in the Christian Faith. It is heartbreaking that such a large number of so-called-Christians shun their brothers and sisters, justifying it in the name of the Lord.

After all has been said and done, I am living proof that homosexuals cannot be changed or cured. We as gays have only begun to fight the battle of bigotry, hated and lies coming out of the ex-gay' and fundamentalist movement. Some day I hope we can say those famous words Dr. Martin Luther King stated: I am free at last, yes I am free at last.